Today I am struggling … well really it’s been the whole week. First, I miscounted and actually finished week 10 last Thursday and will be ending week 11 tomorrow. I have one week left on the official challenge. Secondly, I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished all that I had hoped to in a 3 month span. Thirdly, my birthday is in 5 days and while I’ve never struggled over getting older there is something so definitive about starting another decade. So other than my lack of math skills, which all my HS math teachers will not be surprised by, I want to talk about the other 2 points I’m struggling with at the moment.
I didn’t exactly know what to expect when I started this challenge. I didn’t really know what would be a reasonable amount of weight loss to strive towards. I had hoped to see something between 20-30 lbs lost by the end of the 90 days. I’ll be shocked if I make it to 20lbs by next week. For a woman I know that 17.8lbs lost in 3 months is great especially when you are doing it the “old-fashioned” way (no supplements or meal replacements) … simply counting carbs
and exercising … but I was wanting the results to be more dramatic. I had hoped to have a daily or bi-weekly exercise habit in place by now but I don’t. I have many great excuses as to why not … the holidays, haven’t felt well, been abnormally busy but those are always my excuses. I honestly don’t like to exercise. I want to like to exercise but I’m not there yet. I also slacked off on being really diligent about tracking my carbs each day. I kept a general tally in my head. Some days were better than others but by writing down my food intake yesterday I discovered that the “better” option that I had thought I had chosen at Wendy’s for lunch actually equaled my entire 40 carbs for the entire day. Now, thankfully, I hadn’t used any carbs at that point and I made a point to eat eggs and bacon for dinner so I didn’t go beyond 40 net carbs yesterday.
I’m also really craving chocolate and sweets again. I am back in that place where I need something a little sweet at some point during the day. I also don’t see the weight loss … I mean I do but I don’t … if that makes any sense? I have received some truly wonderful compliments especially this week about my weight loss and how people can really tell I’ve lost. Yet when I look at pictures or (gasp!) videos of myself from the last few weeks I don’t see it. All I see is the weight that is left to be lost … the face that is still too big, the double chin that needs to go and the fabric that is still too tight across my arms. Now I am thankful to say that for the first time in a long time I didn’t look 8 months pregnant. 🙂 I can tell in my clothes that I’ve lost inches but I still wear the same sizes. I know that all takes a while but I am recognizing this attitude of defeat and I don’t like it. The drive to eat emotionally is back and while I shouldn’t be surprised I am. November through March has proven over the last 4 years to be my hardest months when it comes to depression and anxiety. Now I can say that this has been drastically different since adopting a low carb lifestyle. I physically feel better which has helped me emotionally and mentally but there are days that I am just sad. I am lonely. I am tired. I am weary. I am frustrated. I am scared. I don’t know why but I just am. Sometimes it is a result of the environment that I am in and other times it’s with me from the moment I wake up. However, now I can’t or rather I choose not to turn to food when those moments occur. I don’t always remember to immediately turn to the Lord in those moments but I try too. I think sometimes though I just need to feel those feelings. I don’t need to be so quick to figure out why they are there or to try to find a source to blame. I need to feel those feelings but I have no business dwelling there.
As for that other issue … in 5 days I will be 30 years old. I am not quite so sure how I feel about that … I’m grateful to have lived 30 years, Lord willing. That’s a blessing that I do not take for granted and perhaps instead of dwelling on the things that I haven’t accomplished yet nor focusing on the fact that I feel a bit lost on where to go from here I am just going to choose to rest in that blessing … I am alive.
I think the theme for today is choices. While many things about losing weight seem similar to the ups and downs of a roller coaster I think some of the battles are cyclical. Various things can trigger those battles and you find yourself fighting that fight again that you thought you had already received the victory over. As with anything worth having it’s a process and I get to choose how I will handle those difficult moments. Thankfully, when I don’t choose the best decision I am given the opportunity to start fresh the next day and that’s what keeps me going. Even if I am little downhearted, I’m still taking one more step on the journey.
Thank you for walking with me.